While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.
Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian:( Look of shock )
Cowboy:"Is this Indian your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian:( Look of disbelief )
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Good."
Indian:( Extreme look of shock )
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian:( Complete look of utter amazement )
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
Strategies for dealing with dead horses
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them underway. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot & copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, & the copilot is using a seeing-eye dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard as people are thinking this must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up & the airplane taxis out to the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, wispering among themselves & shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some are praying, and as the plane gets closer & closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more & more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has only a few more seconds of runway left, shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!
.....Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain and says, "you know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the tellet at the window "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up damn it, I said I want to open a damn account NOW!"
"I am very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of the situation.
The manager agrees that the teller should not have to listen to foul lanaguage.
They both return to the window and the manger asks the old geeser, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn account in this damn bank, okay."
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. this makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of the wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are smart, you're RICH, and Hell, you're better looking than them anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to impress the people whom you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART, you know ALL the words.
Beware...the following list of jokes are rather tasteless...
What did Princess Diana die of? Car-pole-tunnel syndrome. What's the difference between a Mercedes and a Volvo? Diana wouldn't be seen dead in a Volvo! What did the Queen say when she heard Princess Diana died in a car smash? Was Fergie with her? Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog. When a passer-by said "Morning", Charles said "No, just walking the dog." What's the Queen giving Fergie for Christmas? A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes What did Princess Di say to Dodi after he gave her the Ring? Aren't we moving a bit too fast? Why did Elton John sing at the funeral? Because he was the only queen who cared. By the way, Elton John is now set to make a tribute record for Mother Teresa... 'Sandals in the Bin' What was the last thing Di said to Dodi? These paparazzi are driving me up the wall What does Diana's bumper sticker say? My other car's a decoy. What is the difference between leeches and the paparazzi? Leeches fall off after you die. What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags? Zip-a-de Dodi, Zip-a-de Di
Philosophical Questions to Ponder
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong? If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? What was the best thing before sliced bread?
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*ck you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.